update

I've joined the fat girls club. I gained so much weight I don't know what to do with myself. I wanna just take a blade and chop off my stomach. I went to a wedding last night and a classmate said to another classmate, who is that, cuz she didn't recognize me. Did I change that much? I feel so out of place in this world. Where do I belong? I have no idea.
Well, I started school so that's one thing keeping me busy. Its' gonna be a hard semester, but after that I'm finished. Once I'm done, who knows what comes next. After being certified, I don't know if I'll be able to get a job. Or maybe I'll be sent away come January.
I don't fit in at school, which I don't mind, because I know I'm Orthodox and I'm different. I specifically don't wear pants to school, because I want to be separate, I don't want to mix in. However, its' hard not to fit in anywhere. I don't fit in in school, don't fit in with my old friends even though I still hang out with them.
I've been depressed lately and I don't know what's causing it. Even though I've been clean, I 'm not happy. I feel like I'm not even heading in the direction of my life goals. Like the life I want is too far out of my reach to even try. But I don't want to give up. I feel myself losing the battle. I'm feeling really PMSy and I haven't even gotten my period since I've been in the hospital. I'm just too fat for that!

Saturday Night Live

I spoke to Betsy and I'll be seeing her once more to determine what I want to get out of DBT and then were can switch to every 2 weeks. I have to switch my Dr. Dubin appointment b/c its going to interfere with school. School starts on Monday and I'm excited, although sad that summer vacation is over. I've been clean for 16 days and I kept shabbat this week. I rented a movie to watch tonight and tomorrow I plan to meet Rochelle, go shopping, and then get together with Jen. Jen, I'll probably bring food from here and then we'll watch a movie and do art or something. And don't clean up your house for me!!! I can care less if its a mess.
My therapist says things have progressed between us, we've reached a different point. I don't quite get it, but I guess that's good.

When I reach 4 wks my therapist and I going to the Brasserie and Betsy says I can go to a group therapy group. We'll see what happens. I think the 3 wk mark deserves some credit too. I'll have to think of something.

yeh! stayed clean past the 2 wk mark

today was the first day past the 2 wk mark that I stayed clean.

This week I refrained from both cutting and using, but still felt horrible.

Today in art therapy I finished a collage on how I feel before, during, and after a cycle of using coricidin. We determined that its a cycle, because using just lets you off right where you started and it all begins again. JK asked me to do a section on positive messages to give myself instead of using and I have an idea that I'll probably start working on tomorrow.

Therapy was about finding things to do alone at night and giving myself positive messages in rough times. I have a list of messages which basically state not to harm yourself and that this is only temporary.

Took 1.5 mg of Ativan today instead of .5 that i'm supposed to take as prn. It makes me feel calm and sedated and I like that feeling. I needed a calm night, where it was ok to just be.

totally clean today

today was day #13 of being clean & beside from not using coricidin, i also didn't cut. hurray for me!!! i was having cravings, so its gonna be really hard to make it past the 2 wk mark. i was also feeling extremely lonely. i've been feeling really lonely a lot recently. i have no one to go out w/. i drove past the bar and was thinking abt going in. that means i'm really desperate. desperate, lonely, and bored - a recipe for trouble.
today i went to a bridal shower, watched "28 days" w/my grandfather, colored a picture for nephew, and went on a walk.
i can't stand it that i'm so fat. everyday i just get fatter and fatter and it makes me CRAZY. one day i'm just gonna explode!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh

i don't know what's going on w/religion

i ended up cutting on friday and shabbat. +I ended up not keeping Shabbat again. I still kept my deal about not turning on the lights. spoke to my friend s**** on shabbat (she's not religious anymore)

Session Start (gowithmir:w*****): Sat Aug 18 14:09:27 2007
[14:09] gowithMIR: how ya doin?
[14:09] w****** Auto-response from w********: Your IM has been sent to my mobile device. When I receive it, I will be able to reply. Thanks for your IM! Want your IMs forwarded to your phone? Click here
[14:10] w********: Why are u online on shabbat?
[14:10] gowithMIR: i don't knwo
[14:10] gowithMIR: y r u?
[14:10] w********: Not helpful
[14:10] gowithMIR: to who?
[14:11] w********: You. Im not religious. But you are supposed to be
[14:12] gowithMIR: ur also supposed to be, what's that supposed to mean
[14:13] w********: No, i mean u told me u are. Told me u have deal with ur teacher. And you are not open about not being religious. I am. Everybody knows it...
[14:13] w********: You're not open about it. Ur only not religious in private
[14:13] gowithMIR: the deal is not to turn on the light and i'm holding to it
[14:14] w********: Uh no?
[14:14] gowithMIR: she says there's no reason to publicize my issues, she doesn't even like that i wear pants, she says if i have issues i can keep them quiet
[14:14] w********: Miriam, not turning on the light and going online is the same sin.
[14:15] gowithMIR: the deal is to take one step and that's the lights.
[14:15] w********: And keeping your non religious issues private is worse than being public
[14:16] w********: Ok whatever
[14:16] gowithMIR: well, don't know what to say, i do it not to hurt my parents
[14:16] gowithMIR: want me to stop talkign to u now, is that the pt?
[14:18] w********: No. Just saying that eventually ur going to have to make a choice, yes or no. And learned thats its worse to do it in private cos then ur saying more sacred of
[14:18] w********: Ppl than of God
[14:19] gowithMIR: the thing is, I'm not doing it to rebel, i'm doing it cuz i need a release of tension.
[14:20] w********: K whatever. I dont agree with that, but u know best so... Dont have anything to say
[14:20] gowithMIR: u think i'm trying to rebel?
[14:21] w********: No i dont know what ur doing but there are other ways to reduce tension. K whatever

Can't stop thinking about why I'm doing this. Why am I wearing pants? Why am I not religious? I'm so confused. Maybe I'm just bored and I want to have fun? Who says it has anything to do with being in pain? Maybe I'm just a screwup?

i NEED a release

i don't know what's going on, but I desperately need a release. Shabbos is coming and I don't know how I'm gonna make it through. I think I'm going to setup a nightlight so I don't have to turn on the light. I'll probably end up using the computer or doing art or something.
darn - i couldn't find a night light. i'm gonna end up not keeping shabbat. i know it. i'm already screwed. i need an outlet so badly. there's a family w/5 kids sleeping at my house for the wknd in the basement and in my upstairs room. i'm sleeping in my basement room and i'm gonna go nuts. i'm gonna cut or s/t. i don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my collage