i don't know what's going on w/religion

i ended up cutting on friday and shabbat. +I ended up not keeping Shabbat again. I still kept my deal about not turning on the lights. spoke to my friend s**** on shabbat (she's not religious anymore)

Session Start (gowithmir:w*****): Sat Aug 18 14:09:27 2007
[14:09] gowithMIR: how ya doin?
[14:09] w****** Auto-response from w********: Your IM has been sent to my mobile device. When I receive it, I will be able to reply. Thanks for your IM! Want your IMs forwarded to your phone? Click here
[14:10] w********: Why are u online on shabbat?
[14:10] gowithMIR: i don't knwo
[14:10] gowithMIR: y r u?
[14:10] w********: Not helpful
[14:10] gowithMIR: to who?
[14:11] w********: You. Im not religious. But you are supposed to be
[14:12] gowithMIR: ur also supposed to be, what's that supposed to mean
[14:13] w********: No, i mean u told me u are. Told me u have deal with ur teacher. And you are not open about not being religious. I am. Everybody knows it...
[14:13] w********: You're not open about it. Ur only not religious in private
[14:13] gowithMIR: the deal is not to turn on the light and i'm holding to it
[14:14] w********: Uh no?
[14:14] gowithMIR: she says there's no reason to publicize my issues, she doesn't even like that i wear pants, she says if i have issues i can keep them quiet
[14:14] w********: Miriam, not turning on the light and going online is the same sin.
[14:15] gowithMIR: the deal is to take one step and that's the lights.
[14:15] w********: And keeping your non religious issues private is worse than being public
[14:16] w********: Ok whatever
[14:16] gowithMIR: well, don't know what to say, i do it not to hurt my parents
[14:16] gowithMIR: want me to stop talkign to u now, is that the pt?
[14:18] w********: No. Just saying that eventually ur going to have to make a choice, yes or no. And learned thats its worse to do it in private cos then ur saying more sacred of
[14:18] w********: Ppl than of God
[14:19] gowithMIR: the thing is, I'm not doing it to rebel, i'm doing it cuz i need a release of tension.
[14:20] w********: K whatever. I dont agree with that, but u know best so... Dont have anything to say
[14:20] gowithMIR: u think i'm trying to rebel?
[14:21] w********: No i dont know what ur doing but there are other ways to reduce tension. K whatever

Can't stop thinking about why I'm doing this. Why am I wearing pants? Why am I not religious? I'm so confused. Maybe I'm just bored and I want to have fun? Who says it has anything to do with being in pain? Maybe I'm just a screwup?