had a rotten afternoon

i had an awful afternoon today. Called Mrs. B who picked up and told me that I could maybe get through tonight. I just burst out crying and spoke to Jen. I was just so hurt and so upset. I couldn't take it anymore. Then JK canceled therapy (I'm sorry about you're ankle) so I just have to contain everything for at least one more day. That means I'll probably be cutting again tonight. I got an appointment with Dr. D**** for 12 tomorrow and with R' Hopfer at 1:45 on Friday. Mrs. B says a lot of my questions should be addressed to him. I know what's going to happen already. He's not gonna want to answer them.

Here's what I worte letter:

Dear Mrs. B:

Why should I sit here and suffer for feeling like I can’t keep up to my previous standards. I don’t need it shoved in my face that I used to be different, that I used to be a role model, that I used to be someone to look up to. I don’t need someone to shove down my throat the need to be more religious in order to receive empathy.

I’m tired of having no friends to connect with. I don’t want people to stick to me simply because I was there for them when they went through a hard time. I was there for P**** because I was her friend, and I wanted to be there for her, not because I felt I owed it for her. When I was friends with F*****, I didn’t make her wear a skirt in order to sympathize with her. To tell someone you can’t sympathize with them because it’s hard for you to look at them dressed like that? It’s not like I’m not prancing around like a tramp.

To hear that things are only going to get worse. To hear “I would never have expected that from you, even with all the issues that you’re dealing with,” all the disappointment, it’s too much for me to handle.

What’s three days a week of not wearing pants gonna help. These numerous people will still carry the same opinions of me and will let me know them. Rabbi B**** was right. He told me he was so excited to have me in his seminary and raised his hand up. Then he said, and now, and lowered his hand. So, the world thinks nothing of me anymore. Why should I care? Why should I try? Even my close friends are hurting me. The only thing I can do is cry. Cry and desert the world. Just stay alone and away from everybody. And you know what, it won’t help, everything will still hurt.

Last night I tried to figure out why not to cut myself up, why I should care, I couldn’t figure it out on my own. So the inevitable happened.

I’m sitting hear crying as I write this.

Miriam