how i feel - may trigger

My friend says I am .

Wanna know how I feel?

yom kippur approaching

spent sunday night in the ER for cutting in therapy. once i cut i also took OD of coricidin and robitussin. went in ambulance and stayed in psych ward for 2 days where i slept and slept some more. my team wants me to go away, but i want to complete school, so i've agreed to go in december when the semester is over. school is getting tougher and i'm gonna miss a lot for the holidays so its annoying, but that part will be over soon. i'm working on getting a job and i told him up front that i have to go away, so i'm glad i was able to be honest - maybe it will work out. otherwise, i can't look for a job, b/c i have to leave in december. its all in G-d's hands, we'll c what his plans are.
i got out books from the library for yom kippur and i'm gonna try to pray a little bit. otherwise i'll sleep. my mom doesn't want me being in my basement room cuz she says the dark's not good for me. she wanted to stay home from synagogue to be with me, but i told her NO WAY! I have nothing at home to use to hurt myself so this should be a safe weekend. I hope I feel ok fasting.
Also, this time I plan on following the rules, so no phones or a/t like that. I'm gonna miss ya Jen.

5 wk mark

today marks 5 wks. i guess that's a good sign.
friday was the team meeting. i crashed at the end, but the only thing that really happened was that i got positive feedback and saw how much support there was. its overwhelming to see how many people care, but then i remember that i'm paying them all, this is their job. that makes me feel better.


i was doing a collage on life and death, but i switched it to canvas, so now i have one on death and one on life. i finished the one on death and i'm in the process of the one on life. the one on life is half abt living hell. i don't know where the inspiration for these is coming from. Is my life a living hell? I don't even know. I don't know how to feel pain. Maybe my life is just typical. But then why would I have been in a psych hospital 3x?

Once again, I keep getting fed up w/how fat I am, but what's new, I've been struggling with that ever since I can remember. Hopefully between the new meds and walking I won't gain any more weight. And if I lost weight, that would be blessing!

Lessons Learned

spoke to the dr

I spoke to my dr. last night and she's giving me a prescription for some sort of thyroid medication that makes you have more energy and can also make me lose weight!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've been getting more depressed lately, but my Effexor is really at the maximum dose so this is what we decided to try. Jen, I try not to lie to you. Sometimes one minute thinks are OK so i'll say they're OK, but later or at night things get out of hand and they're no longer OK. Even if I call you at night, you're usually asleep or drugged up, so we can't exactly have a conversation about what's going on with me.
Today I have no appointments, just school and then night class. Last nite I watched a movie for the first time in a while, it was cute.

one month

tonight marks one month clean, one month of not buying coricidin. the problem is i'm having such strong cravings to use. i want to get high so badly. if i don't do it tonight, i'm gonna do it tomorrow. the cravings are so strong, it really hard to control!!! i just have to write an essay for school and then i can start trippin.

i'm feeling so awful, if I had days left, I would go into the hospital before anything happens. In a way its an escape. I really don't want to be here for the high holidays. I don't want to be anywhere, but if I had to be somewhere, I guess the hospital is a safe place to be.
i cut last night, first time in a while. i was upset about my mother's comment that when I finish therapy then we'll have $$. It was a joke, but I can't stand that everything serious about me always becomes a joke. I was beating my head during the day and I cut at night.

today I had art therapy and I did something abt taking risks. its a collage of life vs. death; good vs. bad. I guess it fits with high holidays coming and me feeling like crap. i'm so sad i just feel like sleeping away the day.