how i feel - may trigger

My friend says I am .

Wanna know how I feel?

yom kippur approaching

spent sunday night in the ER for cutting in therapy. once i cut i also took OD of coricidin and robitussin. went in ambulance and stayed in psych ward for 2 days where i slept and slept some more. my team wants me to go away, but i want to complete school, so i've agreed to go in december when the semester is over. school is getting tougher and i'm gonna miss a lot for the holidays so its annoying, but that part will be over soon. i'm working on getting a job and i told him up front that i have to go away, so i'm glad i was able to be honest - maybe it will work out. otherwise, i can't look for a job, b/c i have to leave in december. its all in G-d's hands, we'll c what his plans are.
i got out books from the library for yom kippur and i'm gonna try to pray a little bit. otherwise i'll sleep. my mom doesn't want me being in my basement room cuz she says the dark's not good for me. she wanted to stay home from synagogue to be with me, but i told her NO WAY! I have nothing at home to use to hurt myself so this should be a safe weekend. I hope I feel ok fasting.
Also, this time I plan on following the rules, so no phones or a/t like that. I'm gonna miss ya Jen.

5 wk mark

today marks 5 wks. i guess that's a good sign.
friday was the team meeting. i crashed at the end, but the only thing that really happened was that i got positive feedback and saw how much support there was. its overwhelming to see how many people care, but then i remember that i'm paying them all, this is their job. that makes me feel better.


i was doing a collage on life and death, but i switched it to canvas, so now i have one on death and one on life. i finished the one on death and i'm in the process of the one on life. the one on life is half abt living hell. i don't know where the inspiration for these is coming from. Is my life a living hell? I don't even know. I don't know how to feel pain. Maybe my life is just typical. But then why would I have been in a psych hospital 3x?

Once again, I keep getting fed up w/how fat I am, but what's new, I've been struggling with that ever since I can remember. Hopefully between the new meds and walking I won't gain any more weight. And if I lost weight, that would be blessing!

Lessons Learned

spoke to the dr

I spoke to my dr. last night and she's giving me a prescription for some sort of thyroid medication that makes you have more energy and can also make me lose weight!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've been getting more depressed lately, but my Effexor is really at the maximum dose so this is what we decided to try. Jen, I try not to lie to you. Sometimes one minute thinks are OK so i'll say they're OK, but later or at night things get out of hand and they're no longer OK. Even if I call you at night, you're usually asleep or drugged up, so we can't exactly have a conversation about what's going on with me.
Today I have no appointments, just school and then night class. Last nite I watched a movie for the first time in a while, it was cute.

one month

tonight marks one month clean, one month of not buying coricidin. the problem is i'm having such strong cravings to use. i want to get high so badly. if i don't do it tonight, i'm gonna do it tomorrow. the cravings are so strong, it really hard to control!!! i just have to write an essay for school and then i can start trippin.

i'm feeling so awful, if I had days left, I would go into the hospital before anything happens. In a way its an escape. I really don't want to be here for the high holidays. I don't want to be anywhere, but if I had to be somewhere, I guess the hospital is a safe place to be.
i cut last night, first time in a while. i was upset about my mother's comment that when I finish therapy then we'll have $$. It was a joke, but I can't stand that everything serious about me always becomes a joke. I was beating my head during the day and I cut at night.

today I had art therapy and I did something abt taking risks. its a collage of life vs. death; good vs. bad. I guess it fits with high holidays coming and me feeling like crap. i'm so sad i just feel like sleeping away the day.

update

I've joined the fat girls club. I gained so much weight I don't know what to do with myself. I wanna just take a blade and chop off my stomach. I went to a wedding last night and a classmate said to another classmate, who is that, cuz she didn't recognize me. Did I change that much? I feel so out of place in this world. Where do I belong? I have no idea.
Well, I started school so that's one thing keeping me busy. Its' gonna be a hard semester, but after that I'm finished. Once I'm done, who knows what comes next. After being certified, I don't know if I'll be able to get a job. Or maybe I'll be sent away come January.
I don't fit in at school, which I don't mind, because I know I'm Orthodox and I'm different. I specifically don't wear pants to school, because I want to be separate, I don't want to mix in. However, its' hard not to fit in anywhere. I don't fit in in school, don't fit in with my old friends even though I still hang out with them.
I've been depressed lately and I don't know what's causing it. Even though I've been clean, I 'm not happy. I feel like I'm not even heading in the direction of my life goals. Like the life I want is too far out of my reach to even try. But I don't want to give up. I feel myself losing the battle. I'm feeling really PMSy and I haven't even gotten my period since I've been in the hospital. I'm just too fat for that!

Saturday Night Live

I spoke to Betsy and I'll be seeing her once more to determine what I want to get out of DBT and then were can switch to every 2 weeks. I have to switch my Dr. Dubin appointment b/c its going to interfere with school. School starts on Monday and I'm excited, although sad that summer vacation is over. I've been clean for 16 days and I kept shabbat this week. I rented a movie to watch tonight and tomorrow I plan to meet Rochelle, go shopping, and then get together with Jen. Jen, I'll probably bring food from here and then we'll watch a movie and do art or something. And don't clean up your house for me!!! I can care less if its a mess.
My therapist says things have progressed between us, we've reached a different point. I don't quite get it, but I guess that's good.

When I reach 4 wks my therapist and I going to the Brasserie and Betsy says I can go to a group therapy group. We'll see what happens. I think the 3 wk mark deserves some credit too. I'll have to think of something.

yeh! stayed clean past the 2 wk mark

today was the first day past the 2 wk mark that I stayed clean.

This week I refrained from both cutting and using, but still felt horrible.

Today in art therapy I finished a collage on how I feel before, during, and after a cycle of using coricidin. We determined that its a cycle, because using just lets you off right where you started and it all begins again. JK asked me to do a section on positive messages to give myself instead of using and I have an idea that I'll probably start working on tomorrow.

Therapy was about finding things to do alone at night and giving myself positive messages in rough times. I have a list of messages which basically state not to harm yourself and that this is only temporary.

Took 1.5 mg of Ativan today instead of .5 that i'm supposed to take as prn. It makes me feel calm and sedated and I like that feeling. I needed a calm night, where it was ok to just be.

totally clean today

today was day #13 of being clean & beside from not using coricidin, i also didn't cut. hurray for me!!! i was having cravings, so its gonna be really hard to make it past the 2 wk mark. i was also feeling extremely lonely. i've been feeling really lonely a lot recently. i have no one to go out w/. i drove past the bar and was thinking abt going in. that means i'm really desperate. desperate, lonely, and bored - a recipe for trouble.
today i went to a bridal shower, watched "28 days" w/my grandfather, colored a picture for nephew, and went on a walk.
i can't stand it that i'm so fat. everyday i just get fatter and fatter and it makes me CRAZY. one day i'm just gonna explode!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh

i don't know what's going on w/religion

i ended up cutting on friday and shabbat. +I ended up not keeping Shabbat again. I still kept my deal about not turning on the lights. spoke to my friend s**** on shabbat (she's not religious anymore)

Session Start (gowithmir:w*****): Sat Aug 18 14:09:27 2007
[14:09] gowithMIR: how ya doin?
[14:09] w****** Auto-response from w********: Your IM has been sent to my mobile device. When I receive it, I will be able to reply. Thanks for your IM! Want your IMs forwarded to your phone? Click here
[14:10] w********: Why are u online on shabbat?
[14:10] gowithMIR: i don't knwo
[14:10] gowithMIR: y r u?
[14:10] w********: Not helpful
[14:10] gowithMIR: to who?
[14:11] w********: You. Im not religious. But you are supposed to be
[14:12] gowithMIR: ur also supposed to be, what's that supposed to mean
[14:13] w********: No, i mean u told me u are. Told me u have deal with ur teacher. And you are not open about not being religious. I am. Everybody knows it...
[14:13] w********: You're not open about it. Ur only not religious in private
[14:13] gowithMIR: the deal is not to turn on the light and i'm holding to it
[14:14] w********: Uh no?
[14:14] gowithMIR: she says there's no reason to publicize my issues, she doesn't even like that i wear pants, she says if i have issues i can keep them quiet
[14:14] w********: Miriam, not turning on the light and going online is the same sin.
[14:15] gowithMIR: the deal is to take one step and that's the lights.
[14:15] w********: And keeping your non religious issues private is worse than being public
[14:16] w********: Ok whatever
[14:16] gowithMIR: well, don't know what to say, i do it not to hurt my parents
[14:16] gowithMIR: want me to stop talkign to u now, is that the pt?
[14:18] w********: No. Just saying that eventually ur going to have to make a choice, yes or no. And learned thats its worse to do it in private cos then ur saying more sacred of
[14:18] w********: Ppl than of God
[14:19] gowithMIR: the thing is, I'm not doing it to rebel, i'm doing it cuz i need a release of tension.
[14:20] w********: K whatever. I dont agree with that, but u know best so... Dont have anything to say
[14:20] gowithMIR: u think i'm trying to rebel?
[14:21] w********: No i dont know what ur doing but there are other ways to reduce tension. K whatever

Can't stop thinking about why I'm doing this. Why am I wearing pants? Why am I not religious? I'm so confused. Maybe I'm just bored and I want to have fun? Who says it has anything to do with being in pain? Maybe I'm just a screwup?

i NEED a release

i don't know what's going on, but I desperately need a release. Shabbos is coming and I don't know how I'm gonna make it through. I think I'm going to setup a nightlight so I don't have to turn on the light. I'll probably end up using the computer or doing art or something.
darn - i couldn't find a night light. i'm gonna end up not keeping shabbat. i know it. i'm already screwed. i need an outlet so badly. there's a family w/5 kids sleeping at my house for the wknd in the basement and in my upstairs room. i'm sleeping in my basement room and i'm gonna go nuts. i'm gonna cut or s/t. i don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my collage

had a rotten afternoon

i had an awful afternoon today. Called Mrs. B who picked up and told me that I could maybe get through tonight. I just burst out crying and spoke to Jen. I was just so hurt and so upset. I couldn't take it anymore. Then JK canceled therapy (I'm sorry about you're ankle) so I just have to contain everything for at least one more day. That means I'll probably be cutting again tonight. I got an appointment with Dr. D**** for 12 tomorrow and with R' Hopfer at 1:45 on Friday. Mrs. B says a lot of my questions should be addressed to him. I know what's going to happen already. He's not gonna want to answer them.

Here's what I worte letter:

Dear Mrs. B:

Why should I sit here and suffer for feeling like I can’t keep up to my previous standards. I don’t need it shoved in my face that I used to be different, that I used to be a role model, that I used to be someone to look up to. I don’t need someone to shove down my throat the need to be more religious in order to receive empathy.

I’m tired of having no friends to connect with. I don’t want people to stick to me simply because I was there for them when they went through a hard time. I was there for P**** because I was her friend, and I wanted to be there for her, not because I felt I owed it for her. When I was friends with F*****, I didn’t make her wear a skirt in order to sympathize with her. To tell someone you can’t sympathize with them because it’s hard for you to look at them dressed like that? It’s not like I’m not prancing around like a tramp.

To hear that things are only going to get worse. To hear “I would never have expected that from you, even with all the issues that you’re dealing with,” all the disappointment, it’s too much for me to handle.

What’s three days a week of not wearing pants gonna help. These numerous people will still carry the same opinions of me and will let me know them. Rabbi B**** was right. He told me he was so excited to have me in his seminary and raised his hand up. Then he said, and now, and lowered his hand. So, the world thinks nothing of me anymore. Why should I care? Why should I try? Even my close friends are hurting me. The only thing I can do is cry. Cry and desert the world. Just stay alone and away from everybody. And you know what, it won’t help, everything will still hurt.

Last night I tried to figure out why not to cut myself up, why I should care, I couldn’t figure it out on my own. So the inevitable happened.

I’m sitting hear crying as I write this.

Miriam

made it clean for a wk

so, i made it clean for one whole wk. that's the good news.
My friend p**** and i got in feud cuz usually i'll wear a skirt when i c her, but on sunday i was in a really stinky mood and i was wearing pants and didn't want to change. she felt like i was disrespecting her wishes and i felt disrespected b/c she didn't focus on MY PAIN at all, just what i was wearing. We spoke about it on monday and she says its hard for her to look at me in so much pain. when she was having a hard time in high school i was her role model religiously and was the friend who stayed by her side, and now its hard for her to see me struggling. But if I dress appropriately then she claims she can empathize with my pain. but the truth is, no one can empathize.
This became a whole thing and i cut sunday and monday night.

Jen, i think you're the one who can understand the most. And I have to speak to the Rabbi about our relationship. I don't think its going to be a problem, but some of my religious ppl don't like that I'm friends with you.

Yom Kippur is coming soon and I want to take upon myself to speak in a clean way, which is supposed to prevent hardship.

Lunch with Mrs. B******* was amazing. Every time I talk to her its like a gain a new clarity, although this time she kept on telling me to talk to the Rabbi, that she couldn't answer my questions b/c they were difficult. But she's an amazing sounding board. We spoke about college, friends, shabbat.....
She told me I have to respect P**** and wear a skirt around her. She made it sound like P**** was doing me a favor to be friends with me. I was like, forget it, then I don't need this. At least she didn't say about me going from 10 to 0. That would've made me crazy.
I have to continue to not turn on the lights on Saturday or Holidays for 8 more weeks and then we can go out again. I'm going to try really hard b/c I really like going out with her.

having a hard time

had really hard days saturday and sunday. i think i'm getting depressed again. haven't had therapy since tues cuz my therapist is on vacation. this wk betsy's on vacation so i'm not having dbt therapy. i have therapy again on tues so we'll c what happens. i just feel like cutting..........but so far i haven't + i haven't used coricidin

weekend approaching

today will be day 4 of staying safe, go me! I made plans to meet Sarah at 1 on Sunday, but I need to make plans for Sunday night so that I'll be busy. Monday night I have group, tuesday night i want to go ice skating (maybe i'll call a friend to go with me), Wednesday night I have drugs group.... So I should be keeping busy at nights. Betsy's going away so I'm not meeting with her next week, so she wanted me to tell her what I'll be doing at nights to keep busy, b/c nights are my hardest times.
My niece and nephew are here for the weekend, so that should be fun.
i finished my college classes today, so I'm free until I start working, which will prob be sometime next week.
i can't decide if i'm gonna let myself smoke. I know i shouldn't but sometimes i have cravings just to do SOMETHING!!!!! I mean, everything is being taken away from me. I can't cut, use coricidin, wear pants, smoke; I need an outlet desperately!!!!!!!!!!!!! -- G-d help me
Jen, can't wait to see. Hang in there

Pic from my Vacation

Just thought I'd post some pics from my vacation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1) When our boat got stuck, I decided to go for a swim
2) The Vermont Teddy Bear Factory

today is day 3

Today is day #3 of staying clean from cutting and coricidin. I met with Betsy today and she wants me to attend the substance abuse group or AA next wk. I'm gonna ask Julie from DBT if she wants to go to AA with me. i finally spoke to Mrs. B She called me & that felt good; we scheduled an appt for monday - she owed me an outing for not turning on the light on Saturday 4 wks in a row. She said I really sound like I want to change, much different than before. I also told her I want to try not to wear pants, but we'll see about that one. I mean, I'm going to try, but I can't promise anything. My first priority right now is my health, so staying clean is #1 on the list.
I finished my collage about making changes one step at a time; it's really good if i may say so myself. Betsy said I should take a picture of it and post it on the background of my cellphone so I can see it whenever I have a craving.
I went shopping today I got a winter wardrobe for my niece MR. She's so cute!!! I love her and I miss her so much. I needa go to Israel to see all my kiddies.
Jen, i miss ya a ton. give me a call when you get a chance to let me know how your trip is going. i'm worried about you :(

1 day clean

tuesday was one day clean. one candy in the candy jar for me. i gave my blades, coricidin, and cigarettes to my therapist. i finished a collage i had started about starting over; its really cool.
i got a job offer working in a synagogue office 20 hrs a wk and i think i'm gonnna take it. this way i'll be more busy and i'll be making money.
i have a dilemma about tonight's group b/c i realized i have a wedding tonight. well, i'll havta figure it out.
jen, i hope u're having an amazing vacation. and despite what ur therapists think, i hope it works out for the best and everyone is ok. RELAX, chill out, let ur brain take a rest!!!!!!!!!

home from the ER

so, i spent the nite at the ER, how fun! well, i decided that I AM QUITTING. I signed up for a drug rehab group at the same place as my DBT group. It's a 7-9 group and this girl Julie from my DBT group is in it. i had art therapy today and drew a picture about dialectics, how 2 opposites can be true. I can be sad and happy. I can be the life of the party and I can be an isolator. That's the lesson I got out of DBT group last nite. I spoke to my Dr and pushed off our appt till next wk, so i can try to stay clean for a wk before seeing her. I scheduled a 7:15 for tonight with my regular therapist. SO, i'm BACK ON SCHEDULE with therapy and stuff & looking forward to good results!!!!
Jen, lets try together to stop ODing. We don't want to hurt ourselves, we deserve better!!! We will get thru this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so i scheduled therapy for next wk

i called my therapist and scheduled an appt, but for next wk. Dr Zavari called me back today, but i didn't call him b/c i can't stand this game of telephone tag. We're supposed to be going over my testing results, but it seems like it will never happen. I'm deciding whether or not to OD tonight, I'm sort of tempted to do it b/4 group. we'll c what happens. in the meantime, I'm late for group so i better get going.
Jen, hope u c this when u get home, or if not, tomorrow!!! Love ya, babe!!! (Remember that lady in the hospital that called u sweetie, maybe i should call u sweetie pie also. Mushy, gushy, sweetie pie, baby..... lol)

i'm really frustrated cuz i can't get thru to mrs b and she's supposed to go out w/me this wk, and we were supposed to schedule an appt on sat night. I also need her help with figuring things out. As of right now, I'm pretty clueless about what to do with my therapy. I wish money wasn't an issue, then things would be so much clearer! My Dr. said I have to be trying in order to work with her, and I have to admit, I didn't really try at all last night not to OD. Maybe I'm trying to make everyone mad so they'll have to send me away? Could that be it? I don't know what's going on!!!!!!!!!

This is for you, Jen!!!

You told me to create a blog, so here it is!
It is now 2:27 a.m. and I'm up b/c.... u guessed it, I don't need to say why.
I babysit for 3 of my nieces and nephews tomorrow at 10am so i better get some sleep.
I don't know what to do with my life....I wanna go back to the hospital.......sounds crazy but its true
miss ya tonz,
mir